Thought of The Day

Ever wonder if you are really funny or just really immature? 

I drove by a sign today advertising massages for Father’s Day. I instantly thought… They wanna rub Dads. They wanna run Dad bods. 

Then… they wanna rub Dad bods and steal the Dads from their families & be home wreckers. 

What is wrong me with me? 

Death


I’ve been in the presence of the dying many and many of times. Each time I’ve never forgotten that person, and probably never will. 

For example, a few years ago I was an aide on med/surg. My patient coded. I was the lucky person to be in the room when she coded. Just me, myself, the patient and her family. I felt like I was going to code with her. My heart dropped to my stomach and it felt like all the air had been sucked out of me. In a split second I ran to the code button and pressed it then felt for a pulse. Nothing. I released her bed to start compressions and doctors and nurses and respiratory staff all flooded in around us. The patient and I. Luckily I didn’t have to do CPR along before they took over and I was quickly pushed out of way.

Fast forward time to today, I work in a physicians office. Definitely not as exciting but we still get our moments. Today was a big one. A front office employee finds me in a panic, out of breath telling me I need to get out there and look at someone. 

So I take off for the waiting room. When I get there I see a woman in a wheelchair slumped back groaning. I get close to where she can see me and ask, “Ma’am are you okay? Can you tell me your name?” She let out a loud groan and I decide that the waiting room isn’t where we need to be. We need to be in the emergency room NOW. I grab the wheelchair and take off towards the elevators praying they aren’t clogged up with patients slowing me down. I get stuck in the small elevator with kids. Great. Luckily we were on the main level in no time. I push her as fast as I can to the ER meanwhile doing sternum rubs to try and get a response. I know anytime I will need to stop and get her on the ground for CPR. 

I made it to the ER and with moderate effort to get the nurses and doctors attention they were all flooding in around me while I started peeling her clothes off and attempted to transfer her to the bed. Questions come quick and I don’t have the answers. I tell them she was brought to me and I knew the doctors office would not be the place for her care. She needed lifelined. Sure enough I wasn’t needed anymore and I wondered back to my job. 

When I arrived back to my office my nurse practitioner was flustered asking where I went. I told her, “running from the grim reaper.” She laughed but didn’t know I really wasn’t kidding. 

The look in a persons eye when they are dying is so heartbreaking. She was in pain, and scared, and comatose all at once. I seen regret in her eyes, and I felt her pleading to make it through this spell. I was responsible for her. I made that split second decision to get her to where she could be taken care of. I did that, but she didn’t survive. She died after 4 revivals, and 63 minutes of CPR. 

We found out later from family, that she had been complaining of chest pain for a week. She thought she had pneumonia. She didn’t know she could be having a hear attack or blood clot. She didn’t know that ignoring it would kill her. She didn’t know on the way to the doctor that she wasn’t going to walk out of the hospital. 

Tomorrow is NEVER promised. 

I survived

I survived

As you can see in my previous entries, I got pretty deep down into a funk. 

I’m okay now, if anyone even reads this… probably not. 

I have been pre-occupied with YouTube videos. Keeps my mind busy. 💋

Too far down

I’m so deep down in this sink hole, Im giving up hope on ever getting out. 

I gave up trying and I can’t think of why. 

I feel like life is choking me and pushing my head under water, free falling to the bottle of the ocean. The deepest darkest bottom of the ocean. I can’t see light.

How much are you worth?

My self worth is at an all time worth. Like, I know that I am a good person, I’m a good mom, and a great friend. But what am I worth to myself? I know these things but I dont feel them. Lately I feel like the worst wife ever. An okay mom. An okay person. 

I feel like if I were to get out of my marriage I would live the rest of my life alone because no one would want me. I don’t want anyone else right now either. I am just craving inner peace. Acceptance. 

Acceptance of who I am today and how I’ve gotten better with time and work. I don’t like me. I want to be a better mother. I put nearly all my energy into my kids but there is always room for improvement. 

I want to be a better wife. I want to see my husband as nothing other than my partner in life, my hero, love of my life, best friend. Instead of always being so annoyed with him that I get pissed off and don’t even wanna deal the rest of the evening. 

Yet, what if I just expect more for myself? A romantic husband who thinks the world of his wife and cherishes her. Puts her on a pedestal and showers her with love and attention and occasional sweet gifts, surprises, or gestures. How is that so hard to figure out? Yet the ripple effects remains- being me in such an awful mood all the time.